Dad, Stop Running

 

I need you to stop running. I am out of breath.

Don’t fear, for I am here

Because you are who I have left.

I used to wake up whenever I heard you scream

Only to realize you are imprisoned in this eternally, haunting dream.

You told me stories of how you walked past the remains of flesh and bones

As you heard the distant echoes of ghostly moans.

Phnom Penh, the home you once knew

Now became a sight of bloody carnage taking place in its view.

The small grain of rice you held in your hand,

Along with the guiding stars at night helped you get to Thailand.

You wanted to end the Khmer nightmare, and tried to make the American Dream,

So you created my brothers and me

But the images of death, fear, and guilt are experiences that you still can’t unsee.

You tried to see your father who lived in Vietnam. For when it was time to reunite,

Your father died just before you were to take that flight.

It could have been a reunion of 20 years…

Instead, for the first time at the age of 9, I saw your only tears.

During the day, in our old home, when I sat in my bed,

I hear your random yells in the kitchen, saying how much you want all those American, Vietnamese, Khmer soldiers dead.

At your best, you were a loving, caring dad

But deep inside, your lifelong traumas that have confined you

Have now driven you mad.

As I remain silent from you,

I never stopped wishing that your liberation from darkness will one day come true.

You don’t ever need to run

Because standing right next to you is your son.

 

 

All Rights Reserved by Randy Kim 2015

The Unbreakable Icon

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Entering her 4th decade, Janet Jackson has set the barometer of pop music success since her musical debut in 1982 at the age of 16. Along with her brother Michael and fellow peers Mariah, Madonna and Whitney, their work have often been referenced by current pop stars today. In recent years, Janet has disengaged herself from the public eye following the death of her brother. She has since been married and living a relatively low-key affair, until she reappeared this past summer to surprise fans with her upcoming album and a world tour (both for the first time in several years).

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This week has greeted Janet’s arrival to the Windy City for a 3-date show at the iconic Chicago Theatre. As a longtime Janet fan, I would finally get the chance to see her live for the first time in concert. In her last two tours, I was either unemployed (2008) or living in Korea where she didn’t make a stop there (2011). Growing up as a kid, I recalled hearing songs from the “Janet” album in the mid 90s such as her dance-rock workout “If” and her tearful ballad, “Again” dominate the B96 airwaves in Chicago. I was entranced by her futuristic sci-fi take on her collaboration with her brother in the music video, “Scream.” As the years went on, I connected parts of her music to certain events in my life. The song “Control” was Janet’s declaration of independence from her domineering showbiz father which resonated with my own problematic relationship with my father. Then there was the “Velvet Rope” album which took on depression and a pro-LGBTQ stance that came at a time when I was discovering my queer identity in high school, and the “All for You” song that I danced to on prom night that eventually got me voted as the Best Dancer in my senior class.

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With Janet soon approaching 50, she has taken a different approach with her new album “Unbreakable.” Unlike her last few albums, she is more focused on creating an adult-contemporary, R&B driven sound, rather than following the current trends that Rihanna, Ariana Grande are on now. She is back with longtime collaborators Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, and she has shunned herself away from doing interviews and public appearances to promote the album aside from her tour. With the new album and her tour, she is unconcerned about making new fans and reaching out for the teenage audiences, but instead, doing it for her longtime fans and reminding them as to why she was more than just Michael’s little sister.

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I arrived early at the Chicago Theatre at 6:30 pm with my ticket in hand. A small crowd calmly gathered by the entrance as folks were eagerly snapping selfies by the theatre’s sign illuminating the arrival of Janet Jackson. As I was about to have my ticket checked, I was asked if I was a part of the VIP list which had me do a double take. I was asked if I got the tickets to a presale and pre-ordered her new album which I said yes. I was told that it would qualify me, and they asked me for my name which was on the list. Much to my surprise, I could barely contain my excitement as I soon found out that I could visit the private Janet room containing many of her memorabilia (I.E. MTV VMA awards, Grammys, wardrobe). The theatre itself had a magical aura surrounding it through the opulent staircase, the bright tall chandeliers, and the lavish artwork around the walls. I got myself a t-shirt and a program which came with 2 copies of her latest album.

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The private Janet room featured wardrobes that came from her most memorable music videos and tours which included “Rhythm Nation”, “Scream” that also included a framed photo of the star with a handwritten message from Michael, and “All For You.”  Suspiciously missing from the room was the infamous “SuperBowl” wardrobe that led to the FCC uproar and the term, “wardrobe malfunction.” I also did a photo op which the Janet team made into a GIF and had it featured on their Twitter page. Fans were in awe and doing their selfie shots as they gathered around her costume displays

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I walked up 3 flights of stairs to find my seat located at the balcony level. Despite being located in the upper level, the view from the stage was clearly visible, and the venue’s intimate environment ensured that concert-goers would be able to feel emotionally engaged throughout the show.

As I was tweeting live updates about the concert, a young woman wearing a Janet t-shirt and lanyard approached me, told me that they would like to make a change to my seating arrangement. Puzzled, I asked “Why?” To her reply, “So we would like to have you sit in the front row, would that be okay?” Instantly, my mind froze and my conscience reacted like the grown-up Kevin from the Wonder Years. I started to stutter and dropped my jacket. She said, “I think you dropped something.” My instant reply, “That was my heart.” She gave me a new ticket, and suddenly, I was trembling with excitement. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. I grabbed my belongings and ran down several flights of stairs. I couldn’t process what had just happened.  I AM GOING TO BE STANDING IN FRONT OF JANET, MY CHILDHOOD IDOL!!! This was a bit too much for me to take in.

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I was escorted by the usher to my seat. There, I was warmly greeted with several hardcore Janet fans. I was busy wiping the tears off as a few of the fans were playfully teasing me. I was stoked; I have never been in a VIP section in all my concert-going years. The DJ opened his set and was playing a remix of Janet songs. Folks around me were dancing and taking in the atmosphere. I eagerly posted on my Facebook / Twitter / Instagram almost simultaneously.

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The legendary Miss Jackson took the stage at about 8:45 am. The speaker to the right of me was on full blast. The floor started vibrating as the bass was infiltrating through the ground. There, she appeared as a dark silhouette until she revealed herself as she sang her new song “BurnItUp” with a video cameo by Missy Elliot. The crowd cheered on wildly as she started working her way through the stage followed by her dance crew and her band. She briefly welcomed the crowd, and went right into her signature hit song, “Nasty”.

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For the first 45 minutes, Janet took on a furious run at her classic dance songs by giving them shorter abbreviations or short medleys such as “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”, “All For You”, “Love Will Never Do Without You”, “Escapade”, and bringing out the chair dance to “When I Think Of You”. She launched an assault of non-stop choreography reminiscent of her younger days, leaving nearly no time for her to rest in that span. Her charm was present, and her fierceness reminded folks of what made her one of music’s great performers.

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During the 2nd half, she allowed herself time to breathe as she sang some of her old ballads. She engaged the audience to sing the first verse of “Again” before she tearfully sang through the ballad. She struggled to finish the song as she wiped the tears off and would throw her handkerchief at a lucky fan. She continued to warmly slow down as she sang “Let’s Wait Awhile”, “Come Back to Me” before she got into her groove to sing her new hit song “No Sleep.” Janet paid homage to rapper Kendrick Lamar as he used his Janet-inspired song “Poetic Justice” and intertwined it with her 1993 hit, “Anytime Anyplace.”

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The tempo picked up as she went into her heavy dance numbers, “Throb”, the rock-driven “Black Cat.”  The steam machine blew up right in front of me, and nearly deafened me during her “IF” performance. She paid tribute to her brother as she sang part of “Scream” before turning into her innovative dance hit, “Rhythm Nation”, and managed to pull off one of her toughest choreograph numbers.

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In her encore, she focused on her two songs from her “Unbreakable” album proving that she is still focusing on her future, and reminding fans that she’s not restrained by her own past success. “Shoulda Known Better” is her current call to social justice and an answer she found 25 years ago when she heeded that call during “Rhythm Nation”. “Unbreakable” was her way of reminding people of how far she’s come along from the days of a child TV star, to the young adult making a name for herself, to the 90’s sex icon, and emerging from the aftermath of the Super Bowl mishap.

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In a show that lasted over 90 minutes, and surprisingly with no costume change, Miss Jackson kept the show flowing, keeping her fans mesmerized and moving. Unlike Madonna, Kanye West, and other stars who rely on using visuals, costume changes, and thematic elements, Janet kept it simple without the bells and whistles, and focused on celebrating her past while welcoming her present and future on her own terms.

After celebrating a night that had its unexpected twist and turns for me, I came home feeling honored to have been able to finally see an icon on stage, and gained personal access to her past works that played a soundtrack to my life.

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All Rights Reserved

Copyright by Randy Kim 2015

All Photo Credits by Randy Kim

Liquid Healing Space of Chicago

I have taken a series of photos along the scenic Chicago lakefront over the past 2.5 years when I first moved into Rogers Park. Going back to my globe trotting times from several years ago, I have found peaceful refuge being in the near presence of water. It is a form of therapy for me. Drinking, bathing, feeling, and breathing the vapors of h20 is what settles me in times of angst and anxiety. As I walk through the lakefront stretching from as far as Evanston to Montrose, I have made it my own sanctuary, my escape, and as a place to inhale the freshness and exhale the negative toxins that tend to plague me. Everyday, I am thankful that I can live in a place where I can experience such beauty, calmness, and serenity.

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All Photos Taken By Randy Kim

All Rights Reserved © Randy Kim 2015